Tantrums: Why do they happen?
Anonymous Question: “I’ve been trying so hard, but I find it impossible to deal with my child’s tantrums. Nothing seems to work. Why do they keep doing this? Is this normal?”
Disclaimer: This blog is not therapy or a substitution for therapy. It is for educational purposes only.
Dear Reader,
I hear you. This parenting thing is hard. People try to prepare you for it, but you never really know until you’re in the thick of it. When you’re on the receiving end of a tantrum, it can feel like you’re about to lose your mind. First and foremost, I want you to be kind to yourself. If you’ve lost your temper, gotten overwhelmed, or been embarrassed during a tantrum, then you’re not alone. Nobody is perfect and these moments can be opportunities to improve your relationship with your child. Tantrums are a normal part of child development, but that doesn’t make them any less difficult to handle, especially when there’s so much conflicting misinformation out there. Let’s break down some common myths and misconceptions about tantrums:
Myth #1: “They have nothing to be upset about.”
As adults, it might seem this way. To us, it might seem silly for 4-year-old Sarah to have a full-blown meltdown about having to leave the playground in order to go home. However, to a 4-year-old, that is often the worst thing that is happening in her life at that moment. To her, she’s experiencing the same level of anguish that you might if you found out that the all-inclusive Caribbean vacation you’ve been looking forward to all year was canceled last-minute.
There are two parts of the brain that we need to know about to better understand tantrums: the prefrontal cortex and the amygdala. The amygdala is often best known as the part of our brain that drives the “fight, flight, or freeze response.” It plays a huge role in fear and anger. The prefrontal cortex is responsible for impulse control, thinking logically, focusing attention, predicting the consequences of our actions, and managing emotional reactions. Ideally, these two parts of our brains will work together to help with our emotions. Your amygdala looks out for threats and sounds the alarm. In response, your prefrontal cortex helps you determine whether the perceived danger is truly a threat and respond appropriately.
Here’s the kicker: The amygdala is fully developed at birth. The prefrontal cortex isn’t developed until we are 25 years old. This means that your child is experiencing all the same big, overwhelming emotions as adults- without the same neurological capacity to regulate them. When a child has a tantrum, it’s because the intensity of the feeling they’re having is overwhelming their ability to organize and cope with it.
Myth #2: Tantrums are a child’s attempt to manipulate their parents.
I understand why parents feel this way, I really do. I have felt the same way myself. When you see a 3-year-old having a tantrum in Publix because their mom said, “No,” to a candy bar, it really can feel like manipulation. I’ve never met a child who truly wanted to be bad or difficult. I’m not going to say that no child is ever attempting to manipulate their parents through a tantrum. However, feeling manipulated doesn’t necessarily mean that the child has the intention of manipulation. Manipulation is an extremely advanced skill that requires the child to be able to use talents that are far beyond their developmental abilities.
A tantrum might be a way that children are subconsciously trying to meet a need they have, but this is not the same as manipulation. All human beings have genuine, healthy needs that need to be met. They are:
· Fun and excitement
· Power/mastery/control, or a sense of self-worth and achievement
· Freedom and independence
· Connection, or being loved and having a sense of belonging
· Survival, which for children often means having a full belly, plenty of sleep, and not feeling sick.
Our responses to tantrums can help children learn healthy ways to meet these needs.
Myth #3: Yelling/spankings should stop tantrums.
Listen, I understand. I really do. You’re frustrated beyond belief. You’re stressed out of your mind. As adults, we forget that tantrums usually trigger our fight or flight response as well. It’s completely overwhelming it often starts to feel very personal, especially if you’re already having a hard time. However, I want to be very clear: yelling and spankings will only make things worse. Please know I don’t say this out of judgment or to guilt-trip anyone. We’re human; we’ve all been there. However, I would be doing you a disservice by not being blunt here. Let’s look at some of the reasons that this is the case:
1. Hitting, yelling, or spanking teaches children that those behaviors are okay.
· Social learning theory (pioneered by Albert Bandura) shows us that children learn through observing, imitating, and copying the behaviors of others, especially those who are most influential to a child. So, when we yell or spank, we unintentionally tell our children, “If you’re having a problem with someone else, hitting them or yelling at them is an acceptable way to solve it.” This is part of why studies have shown that spankings are associated with overall higher levels of aggression and antisocial behaviors.
2. Yelling and physical punishment trigger the fight/flight/freeze response.
· Picture the most recent time an adult yelled at you. How did you feel? How did you respond? Did you feel perfectly calm and able to think rationally? Did you learn anything at that moment besides how big of a jerk the other person was? Probably not- and that’s normal! Most adults I know have an extremely hard time keeping their cool when this happens. We either yell back or become extremely afraid. So, if adults usually can’t respond well to this, why do we expect our children to respond more maturely than we can?
· When we yell or spank, our children become either extremely afraid, extremely angry, or both. If they become angry, that’s just a trigger for more defiance, which leads to a much bigger conflict. If they become afraid, they may stop whatever the behavior was, but there are serious long-term consequences. They’re not going to learn anything; they’re only going to remember how scary their parent was at that moment. I know that none of us want our children to be afraid of us.
3. We can’t escalate spanking.
· If my child does something wrong and I take away 30 minutes of TV time as a punishment, I can take away more TV time if needed. If my teenager is grounded, I can extend the amount of time that they’re grounded. These are consequences that can be escalated if needed. However, if I’m spanking my child as a form of discipline and it’s not working (or if they claim it doesn’t hurt to try to get their sense of power back, which I’ve known many children to do), I cannot spank harder or longer; If I do, I’ve turned a spanking into a beating, aka physical abuse.
I don’t want you to read this and think that you’ve caused irreparable long-term damage if you have spanked or yelled before. There are many things you can do to help improve your relationship with your child and how you respond to tantrums. When this happens, it’s a great opportunity for us to learn new ones.
Myth #4: “If I handle the tantrum correctly, then my child should stop screaming/crying.”
Handling a tantrum well does not guarantee that your child will be happy and calm right away. In fact, if I am waiting for my child to stop screaming or crying to validate how I’m handling things, I’ve given all my power to the child; they’re effectively in charge. The truth is that I can’t control any child’s emotions or behaviors. When I accept that and focus on what I can control, life gets much less stressful.
I can’t control when my child stops crying, but I can control how I respond. I can control how calm I am, what discipline methods I use if they’re needed, and what support I offer. If you do everything “right,” but your child is still upset, that doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent or that I did anything wrong! Sometimes, it means that they just need more time to work through those feelings.
To summarize, tantrums are often normal and occur because a child’s emotions have overwhelmed their capacity to handle them. They don’t necessarily mean that you’re a bad parent or caregiver, that you’re doing anything wrong, or that your child is intentionally trying to manipulate you and upset you. You’re not alone in this struggle and I’m willing to bet you’re doing a much better job than you realize. However, sometimes tantrums occur with a frequency or intensity that are abnormal or just require some extra support. If this is you or if you’re looking for some more resources on handling tantrums, you could try some of the following:
Talk to your child’s pediatrician to rule out medical issues and get referrals to helpful resources in your area.
Reach out to a behavioral therapist who specializes in working with children and can provide you with individualized feedback and advice.
Connect with other parents who also struggle with this through support groups.
Try reading some evidence-based books on the matter, such as The Whole-Brain Child by Dr. Daniel J. Siegel.
Thank you for being here! You’ve got this!
