15 Tips to help your child with Back-to-School Anxiety.
Well, I don’t know how it happened, but it’s somehow August already, and a new school year is upon us!
Of course, you might not be feeling this way. It’s possible that you feel as though school couldn’t have started quickly enough. Either way, this time of year involves a ton of preparation for you, and part of that may very well be dealing with your child’s anxiety.
Anxious feelings are natural and normal during times of transition or change, and school is no exception. Whether you have a child starting school for the first time ever, returning to the same school for a different grade level, or starting a new school altogether, the transition can be stressful and accompanied by big feelings of fear!
As the parent or caregiver, you may not be able to eliminate your child’s anxiety altogether- and that’s okay! Anxiety is not the enemy. It is a fierce protector working hard to keep us safe. However, sometimes anxiety works a little too hard. There are ways you can reduce your child's anxiety and help them realize that they can handle those hard feelings.
Here are some tips and tricks that can help your child with their back-to-school anxiety:
1.) Visit or tour the school before the year officially starts.
This helps de-mystify the idea of school and gives your child the opportunity to face their fear head-on while also feeling supported. Facing fears directly helps your child gain confidence in their ability to do hard things. Even if the school does not have an open house, they will often allow you to set up a short tour in advance.
2.) Create positive memories at the school before the first day of class.
Even if you can’t go inside the school, see if you can go play on the playground or do a fun activity somewhere on school property. This will help your child start associating positive emotions with school.
3.) Set up a time to meet with your child’s teacher in a relaxed, one-on-one setting.
Allowing your child to build some rapport with their teacher in a casual setting can help reduce some anxiety. If possible, have the teacher engage in even just 10 minutes of non-directive play where the teacher can follow their lead while focusing on praising and describing your child’s behavior. Many schools require teachers to begin working at school well before children arrive, so they may be able to meet with you the week before school starts.
4.) Prepare and practice!
At least one week before school starts, help your child ease into the routine of school by transitioning to the school-year schedule, including gradually going to bed earlier and waking up earlier for school hours.
Role-play making new friends, dealing with bullies, using social skills, and handling other potential situations that may cause anxiety.
The night before school, help your child get lots of energy out through fun exercise, like going to the park or swimming. Have a hearty dinner create a relaxing bedtime routine so they have plenty of good sleep. Help them pick out their clothes and pack everything they need to make getting ready for school as calm as possible and eat a breakfast that will provide them the energy they need for their first big day.
Fun fact: Carbs are the brain’s number one preferred fuel source for energy!
5.) Build a back-to-school routine that promotes excitement.
Learning and going to school should be fun! Sadly, our society sadly often loses sight of this, so we must go the extra mile to make it happen.
Help your child get excited by setting up special activities, such as making a special event out of back-to-school shopping, having a “back-to-school party” or dinner, taking “first day of school” pictures, or having a special breakfast on their first day.
6.) Pick a comfort item for your child to take to school with them.
For young children, this might be a special stuffed animal, stress ball, photo, or fidget toy. You could even create a special object together that your child keeps with them! I’ve seen parents pick out very special “magic” pebbles for their child to squeeze any time they missed them; you can be as creative as you like!
7.) Compile a list of questions and concerns your child has and address them directly.
Often, the fears that children have about school can be tackled head-on with information and problem-solving.
For example, are they scared of being the only new kid? Perhaps you can call the school and ask them to give a rough estimate of how many new kids will be there.
Or maybe they feel worried about getting lost? You could ask for a map and practice navigating together.
8.) Read books about the first day of school together.
The Kissing Hand is a personal favorite of mine, but you can find lots of great options online or in bookstores! Reading with your child has been proven to be extremely beneficial for socioemotional development, and this can help validate your child’s feelings and give them the language they need to express them.
9.) Encourage them to talk about their feelings with you.
Ask your child to describe how they feel about school starting and let them know that all feelings are okay to have! If they have a hard time saying how they feel, ask them to draw about it, or make a game of acting it out. Emotional intelligence is learned, so it’s possible your child may need some education before they can talk it out. You can watch a movie like Inside Out to get the conversation started!
Try to reflect and validate your child’s feelings before going into problem-solving or “fixing” mode. Just like adults, kids want to feel heard and understood, and validating the feelings will-counterintuitively- make them easier to handle. You can use this four-pronged statement to validate the feelings while also providing reassurance; just remember the acronym REST:
Step 1: Reflect and validate: “You’re worried that the teacher will be mean. I understand. New situations can be scary, and it’s hard when you don’t know what to expect.”
Step 2: Express confidence: “Even though it’s scary, I’m 100% confident that you can do this!”
Step 3: Show support: “I’m going to send you a letter that you can read anytime, so you remember how much I love you, and I will ask the teacher to take extra special care of you on your first day.”
Step 4: Tell how you’re going to celebrate: “When you get home from school, we’re going to celebrate how brave* you were by having a pizza party!”
*Note: Being brave doesn’t mean not feeling scared! Even if they cry the entire way to school, they’re still brave.
Let them know that when -not if- they have other feelings about school, they can come to talk to you!
10.) Send them to school with a special note.
Remind them of all their amazing qualities that will help them at school and how much you love them!
11.) Brainstorm things about school to get excited about.
Does the school have special clubs that your child would like? Or is there a new subject your child wants to learn about?
Help them find ways to explore their passions at school!
12.) Set up playdates with other kids from their school!
If your child is nervous about not knowing anyone at their school, reach out to local parent groups to set up a playdate with some of the other students. This may feel weird, but people do it all the time, and chances are you’ll find many other parents who need the same thing.
If you live in a neighborhood, they often have a Facebook group where you can ask for this, or you can find a local Facebook parent group for your general area. There are also playdate apps (think Tinder, but for parents and their kids) that you can try! Even just having one friend going into the school year can significantly boost a child’s confidence.
13.) Practice positive affirmations and pep talks together!
What we tell ourselves often becomes what we believe; our brain can’t differentiate between facts and self-talk. Just like any other skill, positive self-talk takes practice, and the best way to teach it is to model it! Take a few minutes practicing affirmations such as, “I am strong. I can do anything!” with your child while getting ready in the bathroom or riding in the car to school. The more fun you make it, the more they’ll get into it!
14.) Be prepared for tantrums.
As the saying goes, “Kids who need the most love will often ask for it in the most unloving ways.” As children feel more anxious and distressed, we often see it in the form of tantrums, meltdowns, irritability, or other outbursts. They might act angry, but the anger is often covering up the underlying fear or sadness.
I often prepare parents for the possibility that they may see some regression in their child’s behavior at the beginning of the school year; the behavior will often return to normal as your child adjusts, but they may need some extra comfort and nurture during the transition.
15.) Manage your own feelings.
This is sometimes the hardest, but the most important thing you can do. Your child’s behavior may become more disruptive, and as adults, we must help our children learn to regulate their own emotions by co-regulating with them. This is much easier said than done, but the first step of co-regulating is to take care of our own feelings.
The truth is that you may also be feeling stressed or sad about the start of the new school year, and that’s completely valid! Finding ways to nurture and take of yourself is extremely important. You don’t have to lie about how you’re feeling, but making sure you are providing a reassuring presence will also help your child.
It’s okay to acknowledge that you’re also struggling with it while providing calm by saying, “I’m nervous, too, and I’m sad we won’t be together during the day, but I also know that you’re going to have so much fun, and I can’t wait to hear about all the things you learned when you get home!”
I hope you find this list useful! If you have any other ideas, feel free to share them with me! You may find that while these tips work, your child needs more therapeutic support. You can always contact your child’s pediatrician or use online directories such as Psychology Today and Therapy Den to find an available clinician near you. If you live in South Carolina and think I could be of additional help to your family, feel free to reach out to me to schedule a meet-and-greet call!
Thank you for being here! You’ve got this!
